It is what it is. While both Lexapro and Buspirone reduce anxiety (Lexapro definitely does for me; not really that sure about Buspirone), the way those 2 drugs affect my sex drive (and all the ancillary effects) are _extremely_ different.
Of course like a nerd I immediately jumped to trying to figure out an explanation. There's at least two potential explanations here (you may think of others!).
1. Testosterone strengthens the (most common in men) 'gynosexual program', estrogen the 'androsexual program'. (The obvious thing would be to track how it varies with your natural cycle--if this is correct you should be horniest just before ovulation.) This would also track with trans men becoming more attracted to men. It doesn't fit what you experienced though.
2. Estrogen strengthens whichever program is active in a woman, testosterone whichever program is active in a man. As such estrogen was supercharging your 'gynosexual program' (turned on as you are gay). This kind of fits the experience of a (heterosexual) female friend of mine who was undergoing something similar and started trying to kiss me when we were alone in the car (I demurred).
Personally I've always wanted to try taking estrogen temporarily to see how the other half lives, but the boobs would be hard to get rid of and would raise a lot of questions.
Love this! It’s an excellent formalization of what I was talking about, I’ll definitely reference it if I write about this again.
And yeah agreed, I’d be super curious to try testosterone but the possibility of permanent body changes doesn’t appeal to me. They’re funny drugs, super psychoactive but “playing with fire” in that they can change your body forever. Incidentally, to get the full female experience you’d need to play around with progesterone too :) (on estrogen you’d just be getting the “fun part”).
As a man that is four standard deviations higher in T than your average healthy 18-39 year old man, let me tell ya - it ain’t easy! But you adjust and I have just as rigorous of an intellectual background as any known writer on Substack. It’s not actually that hard.
I wish most women could experience what you went through with actually noticing women. Most women really cannot empathize with men’s experiences even remotely. Your small glimpse for a few days will give you a sense of what many men have to experience their entire life. It also gives you a sense of why so many men are just absolutely miserable af about it. You’re constantly aware and even going outside will make you miserable.
For yourself, as a woman, you’re in a different position than men because you can actually access sex trivially. 90%+ of men cannot access sex anywhere near that way. If you’re in the ugly group like myself then you can’t even pay a hooker to access that kind of sex.
When I was younger, I yearned deeply for chemical castration because it was so miserable to even be alive due to how much the urges you’d feel. It wasn’t pleasurable because you knew you’d never have any access to sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a significant contribution to men having 4x the rate of suicide.
Thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. I do have sympathy for men in that position, it seems harrowing. Have you found ways to adjust? And have you had your testosterone levels tested?
Yes. I’ve had my bloodwork done a few times. I wouldn’t claim high T levels to such degree if I didn’t know, lol.
No real adjustment. I mean, the issue I have is that I’m quite facially ugly and so even getting access to a committed relationship - let alone casual sex - is borderline impossible. I think most men aren’t in my exact position at all. I’m very unusual in terms of high level of accomplishment combined with high effort in every other dimension. Having high T could be a significant reason as to why I am able to be so competitive and unrelenting at pursuing goals at any expense.
It does come with the downside though that failing at one of the most important things in life is challenging beyond what anyone I’ve ever heard describe.
There is a looks floor for every individual that will vary due to tastes, preferences, etc. For men who pass the floor but otherwise don’t stand out then having more traditional markers of success can elevate them in overall desirability and keeping a relationship.
But in my case, I don’t pass the looks threshold. For men like myself, you can be wealthy, funny, smart, kind, etc. and it won’t matter.
In the same way that straight people don’t want to have sex with someone who is the same sex, people don’t want to have sex with someone they don’t find physically attractive. There’s a gender threshold for straight people in the same way there’s a looks threshold. It’s a hard requirement.
I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I agree mostly, but I suspect that there are women who'll accept low/odd looks if the guy is smart+successful (I've seen friends date guys who are very, very ugly but provide value in other ways). I believe in incels, but I tend to think [physically unattractive+low IQ] is the fatal combination.
The thing is - these women are astronomically rare in true reality. Often what they are are women who have a different preference set than you and just have different physical attributes they care about. Still, these women are a very small minority.
I’ve rarely ever met couples that aren’t a “looksmatch” from when they first got together. It’s like - super super rare.
You're exaggerating too much. Not about being able to find a woman to be in a relationship with you. I can understand that difficulty being real. But hookers most definitely would be willing to take your money for sex. Especially if you're built/have a nice body.
Hey Arielle, don’t take this is a criticism since you are actually making an effort to understand men and that is more than 99% of women are willing to do. In my case I am an incel due to a combination of autism/shy personality and probably being below average height, which I could maybe overcome through being successful in life but is still a major source of unhappiness for me and was even worse before I was on SSRIs and had a higher libido. However if I or any other man complains about it we will just be demeaned and ignored, whereas as a woman people will actually listen to you, so would you be willing to put any effort into addressing the problem and/or raising other people’s awareness?
Hi Julian, I'm sorry you've had to go through that. When having conversations about gender, I'm honest about my belief that incels do really exist (although I don't think that every man who calls himself an incel really is one). What else do you think people need to be made more aware of?
Really interesting. I would read an entire book on this :) I find the causes behind our sex drives/sexualities fascinating, as well as the differences between male/female sexuality. Thanks for sharing your personal case study!! Write more on this topic pls
That's not really experiencing much of male sexuality. It's a particular aspect that is aligned with it. Male sex drive can vary but there are certain components in common. You should ask what is left out. If you were to ask random prostitutes what they provide to men the answer would not unanimously be pleasure. They might certainly sell it as that but their observations will often instead describe relief. They will explain that they provide comfort because the men are in discomfort. It's passive from their perspective. The men go to them to get what they need and they then witness what that is. If you discuss to them what they are selling you might think they know, sex but then what is gotten out of that? It is legal in my country and easily studied.
There is a sensory component to the male sex drive. That is to increase intensity and proximity. To touch, smell, taste, etc. Naturally that is according to the function. There are layers to it. It's not all pleasant. What is happening internally on a system level is much the same as any other survival instinct. The sensations that might occur in a man are not unlike seeing a glass of water when dying of thirst in the desert. If you want to experience that aspect of male sexuality it is surprisingly easy. Try to see how long you can hold your breath for or if thirsty how long you can put off having a drink. The intensity of it can really vary a great deal but it is a survival drive rather than a purely hedonistic attraction. If you had experienced the typical male sex drive then not being used to it the experience would have been more like torture. You got lucky.
This is really interesting. So you’re saying that in addition to the pleasure drive, sex acts as a “release valve” for an unpleasant kind of pressure. Wondering what’s the nature of that pressure? Is it mechanical, like a “blue balls” sort of thing?
The form of male existence you describe is almost idyllic of the lion relaxed and satiated or that of the content male with his needs met. The Attenborough wildlife show male. There are pleasure elements to it but under the hood it is a matter of life and death. The male has awareness of mortality and the need to reproduce deeply embedded. Evolutionarily the system knows it. The male knows his chances are less than that of a woman. You can check out the Y Chromosome bottleneck to get some idea of the extent of this. There tends to be a segment of men that have it easily addressed and then for the rest it often becomes some level of desperation and they must sometimes stick to what is available unable to be so choosy or there's always the sense of not knowing it there will be another chance. For the men in the top niche which is not the majority for them when receiving sufficient opportunity and supply it can become purely the pursuit of pleasure. This might apply to the successful rockstar but that is not most men.
There are many components to it though men do not often speak much of it. Perhaps the easiest to understand element is that there is an aversion to exploiting pity but it is really not as simple as that. For the male without this stress hormones accumulate. Touch deprivation is a common problem which causes constant dull but distracting and somewhat intense broad aching. There are elements to the male sexuality that vary including what standards they drop to guarantee opportunity. I often struggle to understand when I am talking to a man who finds fake beauty attractive such as breast implants rather than a put off. There are dark elements to it. When the system feels like it has had reproductive opportunity there's sometimes almost a I can die now feeling. Life is short and there is a necessary function that must be performed to continue it.
500ng/dl IIRC. I have not experienced "intense broad aching". Maybe I got down porn usage in the right sweet spot or I'm low T. I agree broadly on the rest.
I have never once thought like this in my life unless it was in a joking manner. Maybe I need to learn to sympathize like the author. My initial reaction was to just disagree, but maybe that is your whole point. I willingly opted to have no relationship for three years of my life once, but it was my choice, I can relate to the ache you expressed here though, as a result of my choice.
Some people do any much of this is a problem in the lack of a flexible receptive approach in certain areas of healthcare or society. It tends to be stigma, reputation, stereotype, rumour, politics, taboo or popular opinion driven. This is not how I operate. I am high functioning autist which means that I have a rather high intelligence despite the disruption to my neurology. I investigate where others opine or negotiate.
If you take in the USA the political perception on homosexuality is nonsense. Out of that comes a contrived standard. Homosexuality is a form of sexual deficit or disability. There are those who might want to attempt to cure it. Corruption is common in the legal system with the question as to whether or not someone should have a choice becoming what choice should be made defeating the entire purpose of the legal campaign.
If you have any experience in medicine it is often the case that it does not work as you might expect. In many cases a set number of medicines are provided but the possible ailments are more than can be listed. If you take any particular medicine perhaps even meant for one thing then you will in at least half of all examples in medicine find that there is no exact singular reason for someone taking it. Whatever their condition they will choose what they think is closest to what seems like would address their complaint. It's a set menu. In reality you have to example every patient. This has long been a problem in the mass production and affordable services society. There was once a time where personal treatment according to the patient could be seen but then that was often in a world where only the few lords could afford a personal physician, a personal chef and indeed an entire personal staff.
There are people who go for these surgeries and their real problem could be anything. There often is not the capacity to afford someone to personally examine the person then offer a tailored solution. This does result in some strange outcomes. I examined two cases of men undergoing the same cosmetic surgery to alter the appearance of their sex while also removing that incompatible with their own sex which they rejected.
Both men had a heightened libido. They were constantly consumed by it as an ever present distraction at every point in life giving them no peace to contrate and engage in what was before them. One many wanted to pass as a female which would make getting unlimited sex much easier at least in theory. The other really wanted to be eunuch hoping that the problem would then go away such that he could concentrate on his other passion, the pursuit of literature in the library. The same problem, two completely divergent desired outcomes but a single treatment pathway offered to both.
Part of how I view it is that the medical establishment had decades to try to cure homosexuality, and they failed. That's why we pivoted to accepting it.
I think you're confusing high-level prostitution, which experiences get broadcast because those former sex workers tend to be more educated. I don't believe low-level prostitutes have the same experience.
The low level prostitutes minds are melted on drugs and they don't know what is going on other than the need to feed their own addiction. They get artificially enslaved ironically in the same way men naturally are in a sense. I don't care what is broadcast. I do not consume the same garbage everyone else does. I have a sense of self worth. I grew up with a bunch of slaves living on either side of my house and a brothel next door. You can however perhaps resort to the trash media to see some example of it. It will at least save you a trip to the brothel.
I am a hetero man with high sex drive but I would probably say that I only want to have sex with 20% of women between age 18-50 so I am not so sure that we get horny on fruits. I never heard that to be honest. It’s interesting though to see the perspective of a lesbian
It’s a plotline in the movies American Pie and Call Me By Your Name. In real life men seem to notice more often than women do when stuff is shaped like, say, breasts.
In my head there’s something of a spectrum of attraction: a woman’s internal qualities >>> a woman’s looks >>> a female body in the abstract >>> disembodied female body parts in the abstract >>> objects that look like female body parts.
I do think that a higher sexual drive makes someone more likely to be turned on by items on the left of the spectrum. But it’s just a tendency; no doubt there are lots of men with high sex drives who don’t fall into this pattern.
I don’t know probably everyone is unique in their sexuality. A woman who is a physical 10 for me might become a 4 if she can’t devide 150 by 20, but if she is extremely polite might still improve to a 6. I am sure something like that is taking place in everyone. To various extends there is this porn star Lana rhoades or so. She is quite pretty but also sounds quite stupid and I lost my attraction to her. So I stopped watching her porn
I thought of another point regarding the body part attraction, a lot of paraphilias seem like outgrowths of fixating on body parts, and paraphilias are mainly a male phenomenon: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
You make a good point about intelligence as well. I recall there being studies that higher-class men care more about intelligence+education!
I don’t know for certain but men operate either by lust or love. The reason people like Zuckerberg, Bezos don’t just pay millions for hookers is that love probably matters more to them than just lust. About paraphilia I don’t know much though. I think the with men they operate perhaps with older age less and less on the basis of lust, although I also think it probably also just doesn’t look good to have hookers.
Do you think that most men are oriented towards one or the other (lust vs. love), or that most men are seeking both in parallel? I've tended to think it was the latter, but you bring up an interesting possibility that men could shape themselves around one of the goals until the other one falls away to some extent.
It depends I would say more narcissistic men might prefer lust, because loving someone doesn’t come easy to them. But I also think one needs to be careful because being more lust brained doesn’t make you toxic I think. I would say I am lust and friendship brained though so I want to sleep with women I like as humans. Lust brained men are probably atypical. Either very lazy, too independent or not normal enough. Love brained men seem to want to belong more into society or a group.
Too real. I met my GF online first, and we absolutely had to have a narrative based sexual experience involving cam sex, roleplaying, s&m, powerplay, narrative sexting, teasing...etc. She thought that I was the best dom she's ever met. Then, after a few months, we had the chance to meet face to face and live together for a month.
The narrative, the fetishes, the role playing, and the games we played ended almost completely. I couldn't tease her anymore because I couldn't stop myself from penetration longer than a few seconds after I was physically ready (which only required a few seconds). I couldn't be a dom once the sex started anymore, because touching and the act itself felt so good I couldn't even form thoughts, let alone speak. There were times I couldn't even grunt due to how much the pleasure and the desire overwhelmed me.
This is despite the fact that I'm a 36 year old man with hypogonadism (testicular atrophy) and low testosterone levels. It was much worse and very often embarrassing when I was a teenager with health gonads. There were several times I had to put my backpack on my crotch on the bus because things that are supposed to be very low stimulus like the vibrations of the bus, the fabric of my underwear, or seeing a pretty girl would instantly give me a raging erection, and no amount of closing my eyes and imagining disgusting or painful things like puke covered cockroaches or needles being stung on my genitals did anything to help. I would also reach orgasm during sex in an average of five to seven seconds, and no amount of work fixed that until I was older and with lower testosterone.
Being a high testosterone boy or a man is an entirely different sexual and general experience. I also remember doing a lot of weird stuff unrelated to sex, like challenging strangers and male friends to physical contests like lifting heavy stuff, arm wrestling, and even actual wrestling on the grasses next to the bar we were drinking at, and we even had a sword fight with actual steel swords once while drunk. This isn't due to stupidity or ignorance. Me and my close male buddies have always been academically gifted. Every single one of us have at least a master's degree in STEM. Some of us have become doctors or professors. One of those friends who had to go to hospital after a particularly intense wrestling session is an engineer who designs military aircraft and a very successful expert in fluid mechanics with his own company that he started. I myself have a master's in STEM and am communicating with you in English, not my native language, but rather one of the languages I've learned and became fluent in mostly through self study well enough to write my master's thesis in. It's just the hormones. They strongly motivate us to be and act a certain way. It's also why men and women will never completely understand what it's like to be the other side in my opinion. All we can do is to try and do our best to have empathy.
That’s really fascinating, just reading this makes me a lot more confident about the possible dissonance between extreme desire and domming. If you feel like sharing I’d be curious how it went with you and the girlfriend.
That does seem uncomfortable to be a young guy and have uncontrolled arousal. It’s funny how men and women experience basically the inverse, with young women ending up the focus of massive amounts of external desire, and men the nexus of uncontrolled internal/outward-facing desire.
That’s interesting too about the draw towards fighting and violence. The “mirror image” might be the female impulse to engage in lengthy conversations about emotional subtleties with other women—pretty much every woman I know does this, and being deprived of it tends to hurt more than celibacy or lovelessness.
Hey guys. I guess what I was wondering how the "shift" agoramania described (more roleplaying when long-distance, then body preoccupation in person) affected you Nadia - if you liked it, was disappointed or what. No worries if that's too personal, I'm just curious.
Honestly, it was invigorating. Although I have always been very into kink and it being a central part of my sexual excitement, the sheer anticipation of his real-life presence made me a puddle. When I saw him in the airport for the first time, I could hardly breathe. I was shaking so bad he thought I was cold. I said no .. I'm sweating 😂. Trembling, I caressed his beautiful face. "You're perfect... you're perfect... I love you..." I stammered, deeling like I was in a dream. The face I dreamt of for months, the face I looked forward to seeing on a little rectangle in my pocket every day. He was real.
When we kissed, it was like heaven, I was floating in a cloud of total ecstasy, probably with the stupidest smile on my face afterward. Although I knew this was him, my "Daddy Dom", he was so much more than that. My partner, my beloved.
When we got to our hotel room, I had been admiring just the way he moved, the way he smiled, the way he smelled, how his presence lit up a room, I was practically star struck. He goes, "Are you hungry? We can get some food at the restaurant." I shake my head no, because I had to have him. And as soon as fucking possible.
I said, "I was hoping we would... stay here for a while first..." He seemed surprised, but pleasantly. When we made love for the first time, even though knowing he was my Dom did excite me, all I could do was enjoy his skin and his scent, touching him in every place possible. We didn't make any mention of role-playing or kinky talk. In fact, all we could do was heave with want and need, blending in with one another. After enjoying each other to nearly completion (I say near because I could never be completely done with him) we went off to have our real-life first date, a beautiful evening I will never forget.
Our amazing trip lasted 3 weeks. I could not get enough of his body and insisted on worshipping him, often. He did do a bit of impact play with me and submitted me for a few spicy encounters, but any kink activies were more of a garnish and less of a central part of our sex acts. I can't speak for him, but for me it was the all encompassing joy of finally touching his perfect body, trying my best to savor every taste, sensation, smell, and sound. Hell, I was losing my mind just having him whisper naughty things to me on the subway. Everything about him just totally ruined me in the best way. God how I miss him.
Thank you for the question, it was nice to relive the best time of my life. Hopefully it brought some insight.
I though having a raging hard-on for the stupidest reasons was just a normal experience for a teenage boy (it was for me). Also yes, a lot of URGES/competitiveness that aren't terribly rational. BTW, the only way I could get my hard-on to go down as a teen/around 20 was to somehow make my way somewhere (like a restroom) where I could take out my dick and literally stare it down (I'm pretty much as straight as can be as a guy so staring at my cock would make it eventually go soft).
Wow, interesting article. Your breakdown of the various types of people and how interesting/exciting they are to look at completely mirrors my own experience, but it's so innate to my existence that I've never actually considered it before.
One thing that's always messed with me (an average looking mid 20s guy) is how completely ignored I am by everyone in a public setting, like the grocery store or something. I'm always noticing women and (respectfully, I promise) glancing their way and such, but I'm completely invisible with the roles reversed. I guess this is why, if you were shocked enough by your change in attraction to write this article, and your changed attraction was completely typical for me, then I'm guessing your normal attraction would probably be shocking to me as well. I wonder what the intricacies of your/women's normal attraction are that would prompt me to write an essay like this if I was put in your shoes for a week.
That’s great feedback, thanks! The invisibility thing is real, I fear something like that happening as I get older. I do think women’s attraction is more closely tied up with how it feels to be around someone, and to some extent rational evaluation, but looks still definitely factor in.
To get the “female hormone experience” you’d need to be in these shoes for a full month! That might be the first thing that shocks you, how different it is through different phrases of the cycle. Ovulation is more like what I’ve described here, stereotypically “male-like.” The 2nd half of the cycle is where you get melancholy, introspective, chocolate-craving, etc.
As a male, your experience was in line with how horniness affects my life, however, being in that state for upwards of years can definitely have adverse affects, living like that without actually having sex or romance takes a toll.
I can imagine, seems like it would be incredibly frustrating. In your experience, do men in that situation try to approach women and fail, or past a certain point do they give up?
The incel’s right, unless you get some kind of major confidence boosting change in your life, usually something to do with physical appearance or money you’ll just get less and less confident that anyone wants you
I experience hiiiigh levels of rage with higher levels of estrogen. I find low dose T to be really mood stabilizing for me.
I did find higher levels of estrogen to significantly increase sex drive. Additionally higher dose T made me think much more about dicks! Now that I’m neither estrogen or testosterone dominant I feel fairly stable and also VERY GAY 🏳️🌈
Fascinating. The data point on pretty, boyish men is interesting to me, as a self-identified one myself. Makes me wonder how prevalent the 'aesthetically but not sexually appealing' sentiment is among those perceiving me.
Pregnancy is a lower but sustained estrogen megadose and I found it made me far more turned on by “men who look like men”, whereas before my tastes were boyish/feminine, but because of how I experience my sexuality my gender expression became more masculine as well.
Bizarrely, I don't have this (I tend to be rather anxious), and tend to live in my head when it came to the sex thing. I don't know if my T levels are low or what.
I'm not sure how much detail on the sex stuff is appropriate for a posting on someone's blog.
That’s interesting. Men tend to be less neurotic than women, but there’s a lot of individual variation between people. Apparently most young men these days are low T, so who knows.
Incidentally, I have heard that low-T in men can cause irritability (“irritable male syndrome”), which is also counter-intuitive.
My understanding is neuroticism is simply negative emotionality, whereas the classic emo poet is high neuroticism + low extroversion + high agreeableness. Thus the 'choleric' temperament from the classic four humors (which map onto 2x2 high-low extroversion x neuroticism pretty well), which is grumpy, irritable, and bossy, is high neuroticism, but also high extroversion. So the guys could easily be irritable and high-neuroticism from low T.
From what I know about Big Five men have lower neuroticism and agreeableness (on average of course!) and the other three are the same overall but extroversion and openness have different high and low subareas for men and women (women are high enthusiasm and aesthetic/emotional appreciation, men are higher agency and intellectual appreciation). It'd be interesting to know if any of these changed on estrogen.
I have the hideous man (almost all men are revolting) / pretty man (a tiny few men are deeply attractive) split to an extent that it doesn't seem like other females have, so it's interesting to see really anyone note the difference vs. claiming all men are aesthetically the same, basically.
They really do seem to represent different sexual categories! I think the split is highly salient for gay men. Also I get the sense that young women tend to like the pretty men, while middle-aged women tend to like the hideous men
Do middle-aged women *really* like the hideous men? Or do they start having to settle for them earlier on seeing as men allow themselves to get so much uglier with age?
Look up confabulation. The idea that we act on intuition (some mix of things we might label emotion and other subconscious images, resulting in mere feelings) and then perform post-hoc rationalization so the conscious mind can claim responsibility for the actions. It's true that consciousness *can* override what the subconscious wants, but it's less common.
Now, take that awareness and reinvestigate every ideology that you have and all of the other major ideologies out there. I suspect that confabulation is so common that these ideologies primarily exist as post-hoc rationalizations.
You were lucky to have changed your hormone profile enough that you got to see the narratives change in real time, and you were lucid enough to track it. Go farther and see what's really happening.
"I’d never understood this, but now it made sense: dominance-submission relationships, on either side, are only legible if you’re centering the narrative dimension of sex. Women tend to start there automatically, while men tend to start with body-fixation. It would be impossible to be an effective dom if what’s going through your head is, “BREASTS, CALVES, LIPS, THIGHS, ASS.”"
There are a lot of men whose sexuality focuses on being dominant or submissive. In fact I'd argue 'dominance-submission' is a male intrasexual dynamic projected onto heterosexual relations. "I, a stronger male, dominate you, a weaker male" -> "I, a male, dominate you, a female".
I experienced the flip side of this - my last boyfriend was focused on the 'narrative dimension' of sex, and the narrative he enjoyed was always about degrading or violating me. Luckily I was rational enough to never let him act these fantasies out.
Meanwhile my own sexuality is far more focused on visual stimuli and I like to look at attractive bodies.
Sorry you went through that! It seems to me that lots of men have degradation/bespoiling fantasies, which is slightly different than dominance but still definitely power-related. Louis C. K. confesses having this kind of sexuality and expresses his belief that it’s basically normal for men: https://lckquotes.tumblr.com/post/18173991823/you-know-its-really-sad-about-men-that-we-cant
shows how much of what we think of as “us” is actually just chemistry in the background
Yep, realizing this was really disconcerting
It’s actually (well partly) a good thing because you’re free to not identify with any “self” as needed!
True! I do still think we have free will
Indeed. But then, look at the way your personality changes on alcohol!
Great point! This did feel like a drug high that lasted a week
It is what it is. While both Lexapro and Buspirone reduce anxiety (Lexapro definitely does for me; not really that sure about Buspirone), the way those 2 drugs affect my sex drive (and all the ancillary effects) are _extremely_ different.
That's interesting. How are they different?
Very good article, and very honest.
Of course like a nerd I immediately jumped to trying to figure out an explanation. There's at least two potential explanations here (you may think of others!).
1. Testosterone strengthens the (most common in men) 'gynosexual program', estrogen the 'androsexual program'. (The obvious thing would be to track how it varies with your natural cycle--if this is correct you should be horniest just before ovulation.) This would also track with trans men becoming more attracted to men. It doesn't fit what you experienced though.
2. Estrogen strengthens whichever program is active in a woman, testosterone whichever program is active in a man. As such estrogen was supercharging your 'gynosexual program' (turned on as you are gay). This kind of fits the experience of a (heterosexual) female friend of mine who was undergoing something similar and started trying to kiss me when we were alone in the car (I demurred).
Personally I've always wanted to try taking estrogen temporarily to see how the other half lives, but the boobs would be hard to get rid of and would raise a lot of questions.
Love this! It’s an excellent formalization of what I was talking about, I’ll definitely reference it if I write about this again.
And yeah agreed, I’d be super curious to try testosterone but the possibility of permanent body changes doesn’t appeal to me. They’re funny drugs, super psychoactive but “playing with fire” in that they can change your body forever. Incidentally, to get the full female experience you’d need to play around with progesterone too :) (on estrogen you’d just be getting the “fun part”).
If you like it, primrose oil does a similar thing for libido, and interest.
Increases, or shifts more feminine-typical?
If there's actual phytoestrogens in it I'll wind up with the same problem.
As a man that is four standard deviations higher in T than your average healthy 18-39 year old man, let me tell ya - it ain’t easy! But you adjust and I have just as rigorous of an intellectual background as any known writer on Substack. It’s not actually that hard.
I wish most women could experience what you went through with actually noticing women. Most women really cannot empathize with men’s experiences even remotely. Your small glimpse for a few days will give you a sense of what many men have to experience their entire life. It also gives you a sense of why so many men are just absolutely miserable af about it. You’re constantly aware and even going outside will make you miserable.
For yourself, as a woman, you’re in a different position than men because you can actually access sex trivially. 90%+ of men cannot access sex anywhere near that way. If you’re in the ugly group like myself then you can’t even pay a hooker to access that kind of sex.
When I was younger, I yearned deeply for chemical castration because it was so miserable to even be alive due to how much the urges you’d feel. It wasn’t pleasurable because you knew you’d never have any access to sex. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a significant contribution to men having 4x the rate of suicide.
Thanks for sharing, and I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with that. I do have sympathy for men in that position, it seems harrowing. Have you found ways to adjust? And have you had your testosterone levels tested?
Yes. I’ve had my bloodwork done a few times. I wouldn’t claim high T levels to such degree if I didn’t know, lol.
No real adjustment. I mean, the issue I have is that I’m quite facially ugly and so even getting access to a committed relationship - let alone casual sex - is borderline impossible. I think most men aren’t in my exact position at all. I’m very unusual in terms of high level of accomplishment combined with high effort in every other dimension. Having high T could be a significant reason as to why I am able to be so competitive and unrelenting at pursuing goals at any expense.
It does come with the downside though that failing at one of the most important things in life is challenging beyond what anyone I’ve ever heard describe.
That does sound pretty rough. What do you make of the argument that if men are successful enough it can override looks to some degree?
There is a looks floor for every individual that will vary due to tastes, preferences, etc. For men who pass the floor but otherwise don’t stand out then having more traditional markers of success can elevate them in overall desirability and keeping a relationship.
But in my case, I don’t pass the looks threshold. For men like myself, you can be wealthy, funny, smart, kind, etc. and it won’t matter.
In the same way that straight people don’t want to have sex with someone who is the same sex, people don’t want to have sex with someone they don’t find physically attractive. There’s a gender threshold for straight people in the same way there’s a looks threshold. It’s a hard requirement.
I'm sorry to hear that, it sounds like a terrible situation to be in. I agree mostly, but I suspect that there are women who'll accept low/odd looks if the guy is smart+successful (I've seen friends date guys who are very, very ugly but provide value in other ways). I believe in incels, but I tend to think [physically unattractive+low IQ] is the fatal combination.
The thing is - these women are astronomically rare in true reality. Often what they are are women who have a different preference set than you and just have different physical attributes they care about. Still, these women are a very small minority.
I’ve rarely ever met couples that aren’t a “looksmatch” from when they first got together. It’s like - super super rare.
You're exaggerating too much. Not about being able to find a woman to be in a relationship with you. I can understand that difficulty being real. But hookers most definitely would be willing to take your money for sex. Especially if you're built/have a nice body.
I don't think I said that. Quite sure I could find a woman to be in a relationship with me if I relaxed my standards.
Hey Arielle, don’t take this is a criticism since you are actually making an effort to understand men and that is more than 99% of women are willing to do. In my case I am an incel due to a combination of autism/shy personality and probably being below average height, which I could maybe overcome through being successful in life but is still a major source of unhappiness for me and was even worse before I was on SSRIs and had a higher libido. However if I or any other man complains about it we will just be demeaned and ignored, whereas as a woman people will actually listen to you, so would you be willing to put any effort into addressing the problem and/or raising other people’s awareness?
Hi Julian, I'm sorry you've had to go through that. When having conversations about gender, I'm honest about my belief that incels do really exist (although I don't think that every man who calls himself an incel really is one). What else do you think people need to be made more aware of?
Well I have some thoughts but is it ok if I message you so I don’t have to explain everything publicly?
Sure, you can message me
Really interesting. I would read an entire book on this :) I find the causes behind our sex drives/sexualities fascinating, as well as the differences between male/female sexuality. Thanks for sharing your personal case study!! Write more on this topic pls
Glad you enjoyed it! What do you find most interesting about that set of topics?
Sex and sexuality is generally an interesting topic. I find interesting when we see proof of things that are not talked about very much
Makes sense
That's not really experiencing much of male sexuality. It's a particular aspect that is aligned with it. Male sex drive can vary but there are certain components in common. You should ask what is left out. If you were to ask random prostitutes what they provide to men the answer would not unanimously be pleasure. They might certainly sell it as that but their observations will often instead describe relief. They will explain that they provide comfort because the men are in discomfort. It's passive from their perspective. The men go to them to get what they need and they then witness what that is. If you discuss to them what they are selling you might think they know, sex but then what is gotten out of that? It is legal in my country and easily studied.
There is a sensory component to the male sex drive. That is to increase intensity and proximity. To touch, smell, taste, etc. Naturally that is according to the function. There are layers to it. It's not all pleasant. What is happening internally on a system level is much the same as any other survival instinct. The sensations that might occur in a man are not unlike seeing a glass of water when dying of thirst in the desert. If you want to experience that aspect of male sexuality it is surprisingly easy. Try to see how long you can hold your breath for or if thirsty how long you can put off having a drink. The intensity of it can really vary a great deal but it is a survival drive rather than a purely hedonistic attraction. If you had experienced the typical male sex drive then not being used to it the experience would have been more like torture. You got lucky.
This is really interesting. So you’re saying that in addition to the pleasure drive, sex acts as a “release valve” for an unpleasant kind of pressure. Wondering what’s the nature of that pressure? Is it mechanical, like a “blue balls” sort of thing?
It feels physical and emotional, like your chest is going to explode with the combination of sorrow and desire
Very evocative
The form of male existence you describe is almost idyllic of the lion relaxed and satiated or that of the content male with his needs met. The Attenborough wildlife show male. There are pleasure elements to it but under the hood it is a matter of life and death. The male has awareness of mortality and the need to reproduce deeply embedded. Evolutionarily the system knows it. The male knows his chances are less than that of a woman. You can check out the Y Chromosome bottleneck to get some idea of the extent of this. There tends to be a segment of men that have it easily addressed and then for the rest it often becomes some level of desperation and they must sometimes stick to what is available unable to be so choosy or there's always the sense of not knowing it there will be another chance. For the men in the top niche which is not the majority for them when receiving sufficient opportunity and supply it can become purely the pursuit of pleasure. This might apply to the successful rockstar but that is not most men.
There are many components to it though men do not often speak much of it. Perhaps the easiest to understand element is that there is an aversion to exploiting pity but it is really not as simple as that. For the male without this stress hormones accumulate. Touch deprivation is a common problem which causes constant dull but distracting and somewhat intense broad aching. There are elements to the male sexuality that vary including what standards they drop to guarantee opportunity. I often struggle to understand when I am talking to a man who finds fake beauty attractive such as breast implants rather than a put off. There are dark elements to it. When the system feels like it has had reproductive opportunity there's sometimes almost a I can die now feeling. Life is short and there is a necessary function that must be performed to continue it.
500ng/dl IIRC. I have not experienced "intense broad aching". Maybe I got down porn usage in the right sweet spot or I'm low T. I agree broadly on the rest.
I have never once thought like this in my life unless it was in a joking manner. Maybe I need to learn to sympathize like the author. My initial reaction was to just disagree, but maybe that is your whole point. I willingly opted to have no relationship for three years of my life once, but it was my choice, I can relate to the ache you expressed here though, as a result of my choice.
Thanks for sharing, it's clarifying
That sounds ridiculous and disturbing. Please seek chemical castration immediately.
Some people do any much of this is a problem in the lack of a flexible receptive approach in certain areas of healthcare or society. It tends to be stigma, reputation, stereotype, rumour, politics, taboo or popular opinion driven. This is not how I operate. I am high functioning autist which means that I have a rather high intelligence despite the disruption to my neurology. I investigate where others opine or negotiate.
If you take in the USA the political perception on homosexuality is nonsense. Out of that comes a contrived standard. Homosexuality is a form of sexual deficit or disability. There are those who might want to attempt to cure it. Corruption is common in the legal system with the question as to whether or not someone should have a choice becoming what choice should be made defeating the entire purpose of the legal campaign.
If you have any experience in medicine it is often the case that it does not work as you might expect. In many cases a set number of medicines are provided but the possible ailments are more than can be listed. If you take any particular medicine perhaps even meant for one thing then you will in at least half of all examples in medicine find that there is no exact singular reason for someone taking it. Whatever their condition they will choose what they think is closest to what seems like would address their complaint. It's a set menu. In reality you have to example every patient. This has long been a problem in the mass production and affordable services society. There was once a time where personal treatment according to the patient could be seen but then that was often in a world where only the few lords could afford a personal physician, a personal chef and indeed an entire personal staff.
There are people who go for these surgeries and their real problem could be anything. There often is not the capacity to afford someone to personally examine the person then offer a tailored solution. This does result in some strange outcomes. I examined two cases of men undergoing the same cosmetic surgery to alter the appearance of their sex while also removing that incompatible with their own sex which they rejected.
Both men had a heightened libido. They were constantly consumed by it as an ever present distraction at every point in life giving them no peace to contrate and engage in what was before them. One many wanted to pass as a female which would make getting unlimited sex much easier at least in theory. The other really wanted to be eunuch hoping that the problem would then go away such that he could concentrate on his other passion, the pursuit of literature in the library. The same problem, two completely divergent desired outcomes but a single treatment pathway offered to both.
Part of how I view it is that the medical establishment had decades to try to cure homosexuality, and they failed. That's why we pivoted to accepting it.
I think you're confusing high-level prostitution, which experiences get broadcast because those former sex workers tend to be more educated. I don't believe low-level prostitutes have the same experience.
The low level prostitutes minds are melted on drugs and they don't know what is going on other than the need to feed their own addiction. They get artificially enslaved ironically in the same way men naturally are in a sense. I don't care what is broadcast. I do not consume the same garbage everyone else does. I have a sense of self worth. I grew up with a bunch of slaves living on either side of my house and a brothel next door. You can however perhaps resort to the trash media to see some example of it. It will at least save you a trip to the brothel.
I am a hetero man with high sex drive but I would probably say that I only want to have sex with 20% of women between age 18-50 so I am not so sure that we get horny on fruits. I never heard that to be honest. It’s interesting though to see the perspective of a lesbian
It’s a plotline in the movies American Pie and Call Me By Your Name. In real life men seem to notice more often than women do when stuff is shaped like, say, breasts.
In my head there’s something of a spectrum of attraction: a woman’s internal qualities >>> a woman’s looks >>> a female body in the abstract >>> disembodied female body parts in the abstract >>> objects that look like female body parts.
I do think that a higher sexual drive makes someone more likely to be turned on by items on the left of the spectrum. But it’s just a tendency; no doubt there are lots of men with high sex drives who don’t fall into this pattern.
I don’t know probably everyone is unique in their sexuality. A woman who is a physical 10 for me might become a 4 if she can’t devide 150 by 20, but if she is extremely polite might still improve to a 6. I am sure something like that is taking place in everyone. To various extends there is this porn star Lana rhoades or so. She is quite pretty but also sounds quite stupid and I lost my attraction to her. So I stopped watching her porn
I thought of another point regarding the body part attraction, a lot of paraphilias seem like outgrowths of fixating on body parts, and paraphilias are mainly a male phenomenon: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_paraphilias
You make a good point about intelligence as well. I recall there being studies that higher-class men care more about intelligence+education!
I don’t know for certain but men operate either by lust or love. The reason people like Zuckerberg, Bezos don’t just pay millions for hookers is that love probably matters more to them than just lust. About paraphilia I don’t know much though. I think the with men they operate perhaps with older age less and less on the basis of lust, although I also think it probably also just doesn’t look good to have hookers.
Do you think that most men are oriented towards one or the other (lust vs. love), or that most men are seeking both in parallel? I've tended to think it was the latter, but you bring up an interesting possibility that men could shape themselves around one of the goals until the other one falls away to some extent.
It depends I would say more narcissistic men might prefer lust, because loving someone doesn’t come easy to them. But I also think one needs to be careful because being more lust brained doesn’t make you toxic I think. I would say I am lust and friendship brained though so I want to sleep with women I like as humans. Lust brained men are probably atypical. Either very lazy, too independent or not normal enough. Love brained men seem to want to belong more into society or a group.
Honestly I don’t know perhaps the majority want both
I think I have zero paraphilia too though
That makes sense with everything else you've said about yourself
Too real. I met my GF online first, and we absolutely had to have a narrative based sexual experience involving cam sex, roleplaying, s&m, powerplay, narrative sexting, teasing...etc. She thought that I was the best dom she's ever met. Then, after a few months, we had the chance to meet face to face and live together for a month.
The narrative, the fetishes, the role playing, and the games we played ended almost completely. I couldn't tease her anymore because I couldn't stop myself from penetration longer than a few seconds after I was physically ready (which only required a few seconds). I couldn't be a dom once the sex started anymore, because touching and the act itself felt so good I couldn't even form thoughts, let alone speak. There were times I couldn't even grunt due to how much the pleasure and the desire overwhelmed me.
This is despite the fact that I'm a 36 year old man with hypogonadism (testicular atrophy) and low testosterone levels. It was much worse and very often embarrassing when I was a teenager with health gonads. There were several times I had to put my backpack on my crotch on the bus because things that are supposed to be very low stimulus like the vibrations of the bus, the fabric of my underwear, or seeing a pretty girl would instantly give me a raging erection, and no amount of closing my eyes and imagining disgusting or painful things like puke covered cockroaches or needles being stung on my genitals did anything to help. I would also reach orgasm during sex in an average of five to seven seconds, and no amount of work fixed that until I was older and with lower testosterone.
Being a high testosterone boy or a man is an entirely different sexual and general experience. I also remember doing a lot of weird stuff unrelated to sex, like challenging strangers and male friends to physical contests like lifting heavy stuff, arm wrestling, and even actual wrestling on the grasses next to the bar we were drinking at, and we even had a sword fight with actual steel swords once while drunk. This isn't due to stupidity or ignorance. Me and my close male buddies have always been academically gifted. Every single one of us have at least a master's degree in STEM. Some of us have become doctors or professors. One of those friends who had to go to hospital after a particularly intense wrestling session is an engineer who designs military aircraft and a very successful expert in fluid mechanics with his own company that he started. I myself have a master's in STEM and am communicating with you in English, not my native language, but rather one of the languages I've learned and became fluent in mostly through self study well enough to write my master's thesis in. It's just the hormones. They strongly motivate us to be and act a certain way. It's also why men and women will never completely understand what it's like to be the other side in my opinion. All we can do is to try and do our best to have empathy.
That’s really fascinating, just reading this makes me a lot more confident about the possible dissonance between extreme desire and domming. If you feel like sharing I’d be curious how it went with you and the girlfriend.
That does seem uncomfortable to be a young guy and have uncontrolled arousal. It’s funny how men and women experience basically the inverse, with young women ending up the focus of massive amounts of external desire, and men the nexus of uncontrolled internal/outward-facing desire.
That’s interesting too about the draw towards fighting and violence. The “mirror image” might be the female impulse to engage in lengthy conversations about emotional subtleties with other women—pretty much every woman I know does this, and being deprived of it tends to hurt more than celibacy or lovelessness.
If you want you can hear from his gf, me.
We're still together, but she's back to her own country again. We'd like to move in together in the future. What would you like to know?
Hey guys. I guess what I was wondering how the "shift" agoramania described (more roleplaying when long-distance, then body preoccupation in person) affected you Nadia - if you liked it, was disappointed or what. No worries if that's too personal, I'm just curious.
Honestly, it was invigorating. Although I have always been very into kink and it being a central part of my sexual excitement, the sheer anticipation of his real-life presence made me a puddle. When I saw him in the airport for the first time, I could hardly breathe. I was shaking so bad he thought I was cold. I said no .. I'm sweating 😂. Trembling, I caressed his beautiful face. "You're perfect... you're perfect... I love you..." I stammered, deeling like I was in a dream. The face I dreamt of for months, the face I looked forward to seeing on a little rectangle in my pocket every day. He was real.
When we kissed, it was like heaven, I was floating in a cloud of total ecstasy, probably with the stupidest smile on my face afterward. Although I knew this was him, my "Daddy Dom", he was so much more than that. My partner, my beloved.
When we got to our hotel room, I had been admiring just the way he moved, the way he smiled, the way he smelled, how his presence lit up a room, I was practically star struck. He goes, "Are you hungry? We can get some food at the restaurant." I shake my head no, because I had to have him. And as soon as fucking possible.
I said, "I was hoping we would... stay here for a while first..." He seemed surprised, but pleasantly. When we made love for the first time, even though knowing he was my Dom did excite me, all I could do was enjoy his skin and his scent, touching him in every place possible. We didn't make any mention of role-playing or kinky talk. In fact, all we could do was heave with want and need, blending in with one another. After enjoying each other to nearly completion (I say near because I could never be completely done with him) we went off to have our real-life first date, a beautiful evening I will never forget.
Our amazing trip lasted 3 weeks. I could not get enough of his body and insisted on worshipping him, often. He did do a bit of impact play with me and submitted me for a few spicy encounters, but any kink activies were more of a garnish and less of a central part of our sex acts. I can't speak for him, but for me it was the all encompassing joy of finally touching his perfect body, trying my best to savor every taste, sensation, smell, and sound. Hell, I was losing my mind just having him whisper naughty things to me on the subway. Everything about him just totally ruined me in the best way. God how I miss him.
Thank you for the question, it was nice to relive the best time of my life. Hopefully it brought some insight.
Very cool! Sounds like the experience was really somatic for the both of you
I have a serious question for you
Shoot
I though having a raging hard-on for the stupidest reasons was just a normal experience for a teenage boy (it was for me). Also yes, a lot of URGES/competitiveness that aren't terribly rational. BTW, the only way I could get my hard-on to go down as a teen/around 20 was to somehow make my way somewhere (like a restroom) where I could take out my dick and literally stare it down (I'm pretty much as straight as can be as a guy so staring at my cock would make it eventually go soft).
Dude! That's super interesting. I imagine it must be rough being a teen and having a visible sign of arousal you have to deal with + conceal.
Wow, interesting article. Your breakdown of the various types of people and how interesting/exciting they are to look at completely mirrors my own experience, but it's so innate to my existence that I've never actually considered it before.
One thing that's always messed with me (an average looking mid 20s guy) is how completely ignored I am by everyone in a public setting, like the grocery store or something. I'm always noticing women and (respectfully, I promise) glancing their way and such, but I'm completely invisible with the roles reversed. I guess this is why, if you were shocked enough by your change in attraction to write this article, and your changed attraction was completely typical for me, then I'm guessing your normal attraction would probably be shocking to me as well. I wonder what the intricacies of your/women's normal attraction are that would prompt me to write an essay like this if I was put in your shoes for a week.
That’s great feedback, thanks! The invisibility thing is real, I fear something like that happening as I get older. I do think women’s attraction is more closely tied up with how it feels to be around someone, and to some extent rational evaluation, but looks still definitely factor in.
To get the “female hormone experience” you’d need to be in these shoes for a full month! That might be the first thing that shocks you, how different it is through different phrases of the cycle. Ovulation is more like what I’ve described here, stereotypically “male-like.” The 2nd half of the cycle is where you get melancholy, introspective, chocolate-craving, etc.
As a male, your experience was in line with how horniness affects my life, however, being in that state for upwards of years can definitely have adverse affects, living like that without actually having sex or romance takes a toll.
I can imagine, seems like it would be incredibly frustrating. In your experience, do men in that situation try to approach women and fail, or past a certain point do they give up?
n=1 give up, data point. If you've been in that state for years likely you've already decided your fate.
The incel’s right, unless you get some kind of major confidence boosting change in your life, usually something to do with physical appearance or money you’ll just get less and less confident that anyone wants you
Interesting!
I experience hiiiigh levels of rage with higher levels of estrogen. I find low dose T to be really mood stabilizing for me.
I did find higher levels of estrogen to significantly increase sex drive. Additionally higher dose T made me think much more about dicks! Now that I’m neither estrogen or testosterone dominant I feel fairly stable and also VERY GAY 🏳️🌈
Interesting! I have heard that T increases attraction to men, very counter-intuitive.
Fascinating. The data point on pretty, boyish men is interesting to me, as a self-identified one myself. Makes me wonder how prevalent the 'aesthetically but not sexually appealing' sentiment is among those perceiving me.
Probably fairly common! Even when not on estrogen I feel kinda like that about "beautiful" men, having them around is aesthetically pleasant
Pregnancy is a lower but sustained estrogen megadose and I found it made me far more turned on by “men who look like men”, whereas before my tastes were boyish/feminine, but because of how I experience my sexuality my gender expression became more masculine as well.
That tracks! During pregnancy progesterone is also high, which comes with its own host of effects
Are a lot of your girlfriends bi? I've heard bi women tend to be attracted to more androgynous people.
Yeah they have indeed been somewhere on the bi spectrum
cool, arielle! As a guy, I can vouch for generally just navigating life with a sense of well-being.
Bizarrely, I don't have this (I tend to be rather anxious), and tend to live in my head when it came to the sex thing. I don't know if my T levels are low or what.
I'm not sure how much detail on the sex stuff is appropriate for a posting on someone's blog.
That’s interesting. Men tend to be less neurotic than women, but there’s a lot of individual variation between people. Apparently most young men these days are low T, so who knows.
Incidentally, I have heard that low-T in men can cause irritability (“irritable male syndrome”), which is also counter-intuitive.
My understanding is neuroticism is simply negative emotionality, whereas the classic emo poet is high neuroticism + low extroversion + high agreeableness. Thus the 'choleric' temperament from the classic four humors (which map onto 2x2 high-low extroversion x neuroticism pretty well), which is grumpy, irritable, and bossy, is high neuroticism, but also high extroversion. So the guys could easily be irritable and high-neuroticism from low T.
From what I know about Big Five men have lower neuroticism and agreeableness (on average of course!) and the other three are the same overall but extroversion and openness have different high and low subareas for men and women (women are high enthusiasm and aesthetic/emotional appreciation, men are higher agency and intellectual appreciation). It'd be interesting to know if any of these changed on estrogen.
It was so nice, I'm kind of envious. Do you just not get anxious?
I have the hideous man (almost all men are revolting) / pretty man (a tiny few men are deeply attractive) split to an extent that it doesn't seem like other females have, so it's interesting to see really anyone note the difference vs. claiming all men are aesthetically the same, basically.
They really do seem to represent different sexual categories! I think the split is highly salient for gay men. Also I get the sense that young women tend to like the pretty men, while middle-aged women tend to like the hideous men
Do middle-aged women *really* like the hideous men? Or do they start having to settle for them earlier on seeing as men allow themselves to get so much uglier with age?
Look up confabulation. The idea that we act on intuition (some mix of things we might label emotion and other subconscious images, resulting in mere feelings) and then perform post-hoc rationalization so the conscious mind can claim responsibility for the actions. It's true that consciousness *can* override what the subconscious wants, but it's less common.
Now, take that awareness and reinvestigate every ideology that you have and all of the other major ideologies out there. I suspect that confabulation is so common that these ideologies primarily exist as post-hoc rationalizations.
You were lucky to have changed your hormone profile enough that you got to see the narratives change in real time, and you were lucid enough to track it. Go farther and see what's really happening.
"I’d never understood this, but now it made sense: dominance-submission relationships, on either side, are only legible if you’re centering the narrative dimension of sex. Women tend to start there automatically, while men tend to start with body-fixation. It would be impossible to be an effective dom if what’s going through your head is, “BREASTS, CALVES, LIPS, THIGHS, ASS.”"
There are a lot of men whose sexuality focuses on being dominant or submissive. In fact I'd argue 'dominance-submission' is a male intrasexual dynamic projected onto heterosexual relations. "I, a stronger male, dominate you, a weaker male" -> "I, a male, dominate you, a female".
I experienced the flip side of this - my last boyfriend was focused on the 'narrative dimension' of sex, and the narrative he enjoyed was always about degrading or violating me. Luckily I was rational enough to never let him act these fantasies out.
Meanwhile my own sexuality is far more focused on visual stimuli and I like to look at attractive bodies.
Sorry you went through that! It seems to me that lots of men have degradation/bespoiling fantasies, which is slightly different than dominance but still definitely power-related. Louis C. K. confesses having this kind of sexuality and expresses his belief that it’s basically normal for men: https://lckquotes.tumblr.com/post/18173991823/you-know-its-really-sad-about-men-that-we-cant
Neat.